


Did I go intentionally to destroy me?

by SlarStarsFanFics



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Because I can, Blood, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Body Dysphoria, Disassociation, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Family Feels, Gen, Gratuitous Paralleling of Luther and Grace, Hurt/Comfort, Losing Time, Luther Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Mild Gore, Mother-Son Relationship, Poet Luther, Self-Harm, Sibling Bonding, Social Anxiety, Takes place in some nebulous au where everything’s fine, Unreliable Narrator, Using Patsy Cline Songs to Show That Time Has Passed, trypanophobia warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:07:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26534101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlarStarsFanFics/pseuds/SlarStarsFanFics
Summary: He remembered what his mother had taught him. Cut the material, sew it up, cut the thread, start again.
Relationships: Luther Hargreeves & Everyone
Comments: 19
Kudos: 64





	1. The embroidery hold some gaps

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from I Want To Be Well by Sufjan Stevens (which is such a Luther song mg) 
> 
> I’m not entirely sure what this is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “In and out. In and out. See sweetie, you’re so good at this!” 
> 
> In and out the needle goes. The thread was pulled through the fabric.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from Embroidery by Hanne Hukkelburg

Needle in needle out. Over and over. In and out, in and out. Blood pricked and dribbled down his pale arm as Patsy Cline’s voice crooned about craziness. In and out, in and out. The record player scratched and warbled on. 

_‘I'm crazy for trying, and crazy for crying;_

_And I'm crazy for loving you’_

Luther stared blankly at his wall. _In and out. In and out._ That poster was mocking him. _When you take a chance on yourself, you are believing in all of your unlimited potential._

Potential. What potential?

_“In and out. In and out. See sweetie, you’re so good at this!”_

_In and out the needle goes. The thread was pulled through the fabric._

He paused to push tears off of his cheeks. The blood had made a puddle on his sheets now. 

_‘I fall to pieces, each time I see you again’_

He remembered what his mother had taught him. Cut the material, sew it up, cut the thread, start again. He ran his thumb over the stitches that ran up his arm. 

He tied and cut the thread and was going to start again when there was loud banging on his door. He stood abruptly, pulled on a sweatshirt, and opened the door. 

A smile twitched at his lips as the opening door revealed his mother, holding a tray with a teapot and a mug. She greeted him with a grin.

“Your siblings are wondering if you are coming downstairs for dinner, dear.”

_‘I go out walkin' after midnight; Out in the moonlight’_

He didn’t want to eat. He had a piece of toast this morning. That was enough. 

Grace’s face pinched at his silence. She placed a cold hand on his cheek. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Yeah I’ll be down.”

Grace’s smile struggled to come back, but it did. “Alright. Enjoy your tea, dinner is in an hour.” 

“Thanks mom.” He watched as she walked away, then slunk back into his room. 

The blood had stained the soft fabric on the inside of his sweatshirt. More blood was seeping through the bandages on his legs. 

He poured a cuppa tea and after placing it on his dresser, lowered himself onto the bed and laid back. He vaguely registered the songs as they changed. He could almost feel the blood as it clotted and scabbed. Then he couldn’t feel anything. It felt like he was floating. A hand that he assumed was his own moved in front of his face. He couldn’t tell he was even moving it. 

_‘Got a feelin' 'cause I'm blue, oh, Lord_

_Since my daddy said goodbye_

_I don't know what I'm gonna do_

_All I do is sit and cry, oh, lord’_

And all the sudden someone was shaking him. And then he could feel again. He registered that he was being spoken to. 

“-er can you hear me? He doesn’t sleep with his eyes open, right?”

“No of course not.”

He noticed a pressure on his mattress right next to his hand and he instinctively reached for it. His vision focused once more

“Klaus? Ben?”

“Oh thank the bitchy little girl in the sky.” His brother twisted his hand so their fingers intertwined. “I thought you were brain dead or something.”

“I just spaced out I think. I’m fine.” He sat up and Klaus released his hand. His heart panged at the lack of contact. 

“It’s time to eat. Mom said you were coming down?” His youngest brother asked. (“ _I’m technically two years older than you” he had said. It didn’t matter, Number 6 and Number 7 were the baby siblings. It was decided a long time ago.)_

Luther nodded. As the trio walked down the stairs, he hoped and prayed that neither of his brothers had noticed the blood. The both of them were surprisingly perceptive. 

Dinner was normal. Or at least as normal as a Hargreeves family dinner could ever be. Luckily for him, food portions were chosen by each individual person. They’d come to this decision when they realized that Ben and Five couldn’t eat as much as the rest of them, as they were still getting used to being around normal food portions. Luther had been all for it. 

It was Luther’s turn to do the dishes. It was Vanya’s turn to dry them. He spent the next 20 minutes with his hands plunged in soapy water. He took notice of the glances Vanya shot him. He figured she was making sure he didn’t pull anything. Oh well, she had every right to be wary of him. But then she started talking to him. 

“I have to go pick up some sheet music from the music store on the weekend, and then I was gonna get a start on that book I wanted to write. I didn’t really want to go alone so I was wondering if uh… you wanted to come with me?” 

His eyes widened. That wasn’t what he expected at _all._

“You want- you want me to come with you?”

“Yeah! Unless you don’t want to, because that’s fine-

“No, no, I’ll come. I'd love to.”

In reality, he hated the idea of walking around in public with the way he looked, but the smile on his little sister's face somehow made it worth it. 


	2. When will you accept yourself, for heaven's sake?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t want to wake. He didn’t want to move.
> 
> But he’d promised Vanya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry this update took so long, I’ve had a lot going on, and not a lot of inspiration. Also this is really rushed so I’m worried it’s ooc...
> 
> Anyways the chapter title is from Accept Yourself by The Smiths

_ Walk around feeling like a leaf _

_ Know you could tumble at any second _

_ Then decide what to do with your time _

_ Naomi Shihab Nye _

Luther woke up and his body was made of lead and charcoal. He struggled to move and when he did he felt as if he left a trail of black grit. He didn’t want to wake. He didn’t want to move.

But he’d promised Vanya. 

So he left his charcoal stains on the hardwood floor while struggling to keep his body upright and got ready for the day. 

A glimpse in the mirror and he already knew how he had to dress today. Shirt and sweater and coat and the closest thing to oversized pants he owned. He dressed hurriedly, keeping his eyes up. He then brushed his teeth and washed his face and headed downstairs to the basement. 

He decided he’d skip breakfast. It wouldn’t do much harm and his family rarely ate the meal together so no one would notice. But he’d make coffee. Coffee was fine, it was safe. It seemed like Five had the same idea. 

He sat on the counter with a steaming cup and an uncharacteristic calm radiating off of him. Light as a cloud, but very different to Klaus’ misty demeanour. He smiled as Luther walked into the room. 

“Good morning.” 

“‘Morning.”

He went to grab the coffee beans but something jabbed his back. He turned and Five was holding out a mug of coffee. He murmured a thanks. Then a thought hit him.

“How do you actually like your coffee, Five?” 

“Black. Sometimes with a little bit of milk, but it depends.”

“Huh. Me too.”

“I know.” He gestured at the mug. Sure enough, black coffee. Five knew how he liked his coffee? The thought made his heart do something strange. Luther hummed and went to sit at the table. 

“You’re going out with Vanya today, right?”

He nodded. 

“You up for it?”

“Always.” 

Five gave him a pitying smile. He doesn’t like it, being pitied, but he doesn’t feel up to confrontation. So he leaves it. He goes to leave.

“Aren’t you going to eat something?”

_ Shit! _

“I uh- I’m gonna eat at the coffee shop. Vanya said it had good muffins.”

Five nodded as if he accepted the answer, but his eyes still looked scrutinizing. Luther took this as his cue to leave.

“I’ll see you later. Thanks for the coffee.”

Five’s stare stayed on his back the whole time.   


* * *

They picked up Vanya’s music. It had taken a bit, so Luther had the chance to wander around. He flipped through some records in the corner. Andrea Bocelli, Susan Boyle, Queen, The Velvet Underground. They had one Bowie album he’d never been able to get his hands on. Vanya noticed, offered to get it for him. He refused. He’d caused her enough problems, he didn’t need to be a financial burden too.

The coffee shop wasn’t that big. It was a small business, Vanya had mentioned. Apparently it also had the best lemon loaf in town. They grabbed a table and Vanya pulled out a notebook. He didn’t like the way people were looking at him. No one was full-on staring that he could see, but the quick glances and periphery checks put him on edge. Vanya must have noticed.

“I’ll go up and order,” she said, placing a hand on his shoulder, “What do you want?”

“Um, I had coffee this morning already, so I’ll just have… tea.” He cursed himself for his awkwardness.  _ Speak like a normal person damnit.  _ Vanya didn’t seem to notice, or if she did she didn’t care. 

“You want a pastry or something?”

“I’m still full from breakfast, but thanks.” He did his best to smile. 

“Alright. I’ll be right back.”

She walked away, and Luther consolidated his limbs as close to his body as possible. The width of his legs were still larger than his chair. He kinda felt like crying. 

Vanya walked back with their drinks. She’s gotten herself a croissant. He refused to look at it. 

“So I’ve realized that fiction is not my forte so I figured I’d try a history thing. I uh, was thinking maybe LGBTQ+ history in Texas, or just the south in general. I think my experience has really inspired me to bring more attention to it… what do you think?”

Luther grinned. Vanya had become so much more comfortable with herself and her identity over the past year. He was really proud of her.

“I think that’s a really good idea.”

“Honest?”

“Absolutely!”

She laughed, “Good. Because I’ve already started researching. The hard part will actually be writing.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“Do you write? I didn’t know that.” Vanya looked genuinely interested. That’s new. 

“I just wrote some stuff on the moon… poetry mostly, gotta keep yourself sane somehow, right?” 

Her smile only slightly faltered, “Could I read some? If you're okay with it, I don’t want to overstep.”

Luther felt his brain go blank. Yeah he’d sent his writing back to earth, but if he’s being honest with himself, he never expected Da-  **Reginald** to read them. And they never fell under anyone’s sight but his own. But now someone actually wanted to read them. 

“Yeah… sure! Sure, I don’t see why not.”

She grinned, and that warm feeling grew at the bottom of his heart.  _ Love,  _ his brain supplied.

* * *

“Hey man! Whatchu reading?”

Luther had been zoned out and staring at the bookcase for maybe a minute or two. Diego clapped an affectionate hand on his shoulder. He was uncomfortable at how comfortable it made him feel.

He guessed his sleeves had ridden up a little bit because the next thing Diego said to him was;

“What’s on your arm?” 

He flinched. 

“It’s a bandage.”

“Yeah I know that dumbass, why do you have it?”

“I cut myself on something earlier, it’s not a big deal.”

“That’s a big bandage.”

“It’s a big cut.”

“And it’s in both arms.”

Luther didn’t oblige him with a response, and instead turned to walk away. His leg fell out and he nearly hit the wall. Diego was at his side in the second, holding his upper arm. It still bothered Luther that it didn't make him uncomfortable.

“Hey, let’s just… go get something to eat and some tea or whatever shit it is that you drink and you can tell me about it okay?”

“I ate when I was out with Vanya, it’s fine. I’m tired, I just want to go to bed.”

“Vanya went home hours ago, Luther.”

Hours? That couldn’t be right. Hadn't he just gotten home? How long had he been standing there?

“I- I need to sleep.”

“I think you’re right.”

There was a hand on his neck. Warm. The rest of him was cold, he didn't know why. Warm. Someone was talking to him. Wasn’t he talking to Diego? Why was Diego there? He’s supposed to be alone. He’s always alone. Someone was pushing him now. Guiding. More warmth on his back. Door, his bedroom. Did he hide the surgical supplies? Diego couldn’t see those. What would he think? Had he at least hidden his bloody sheets? 

He was sitting now. When did that happen? There were voices outside his door.

“Five said he didn’t eat this morning.” 

“Vanya mentioned he didn’t when he was out with her earlier.”

Allison? When had Allison gotten there? She couldn’t see him like this. Her opinion of him always meant the most. She was the only one of his siblings who’d always liked him. 

“You don’t think…”

“I don’t know what to think. But I know he needs our help. 

“He’s been alone for so long, I don't think he knows how to ask for it.”

The conversation moved out of earshot, and Luther was exhausted, so he just fell back onto his back and let his muscles relax. Sure, maybe those muscles are oversized and  _ gross and ugly and- FUCK!  _ He let his eyes slide shut and inhaled. 

_ I need to sleep... _


End file.
